Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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