I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
