A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
