our cab driver is having phone sex.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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