someone get that fucking seahorse.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
