Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
