She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
