Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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