Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I stole a fireplace last night.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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