I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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