laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
