Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
