Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I need to stop coming to work sober
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
