Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
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