the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
