I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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