the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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