and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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