Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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