well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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