i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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