my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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