Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
