I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
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