I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
