and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
