I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
