It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
