I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
