I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Randomize
