she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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