Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
