just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
