Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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