So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
