I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
