oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
