I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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