forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Sext me about skeletons
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
