He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
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