Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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