i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize
