I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Randomize
