Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
