I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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