Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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