just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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