Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Randomize
