chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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