EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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