i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
