So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
